I HATE HAVING ANXIETY ATTACKS. IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. ALL THINGS COME TO A GRINDING HALT WHEN AN ANXIETY ATTACKS STARTS. AND I CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN ONE IS COMING ON. I START OFF WITH THE SUDDEN URGE TO BASH MYSELF OR MY LIFE. AND THEN THE DAM OF SANITY BREAKS AND MY MIND IS FLOODED WITH NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. THOUGHTS ABOUT MY JOB, MY KIDS, MY BOYFRIEND, MY FAMILY, MY CAR.... ANYTHING THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME WILL BE SUFFOCATED WITH NEGATIVITY. AND THEN I START TO WONDER WHY..... IS IT ENOUGH THAT MY MIND WONT SHUT UP SO I CAN SLEEP SOMETIMES? OF COURSE NOT! NOW I GOTTA SIT ON THE FUTON IN THE LIVING ROOM AND HAVE A PARADE OF HORRIBLE THOUGHTS. ONE TIME ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS MY FAMILY DYING IN HORRIBLE ACCIDENTS. I DONT WANNA HAVE THESE THOUGHTS. THEY SADDEN ME. AND IF THE CONSTANT DRILLING FROM THOSE THOUGHTS ARENT ENOUGH, MY MIND DECIDES TO ADD A LITTLE SPICE BY SEARING MY BRAIN WITH NIGHT TERRORS! HOORAY FOR NIGHT TERRORS! IN THOSE RARE MOMENTS WHEN I FINALLY CALM MYSELF ENOUGH TO LAY MY HEAD ON THE PILLOW AND FALL ASLEEP, IM TAKEN ON A CRAZY JOURNEY TO A FAR OFF DIMENSION KNOWN AS THE DEPTH OF MY BRAIN. I HAVE COME UP WITH SOME CRAZY SCENARIOS IN MY DREAMS, AND EVEN CRAZIER MONSTERS. I'VE INCORPORATED TV AND MOVIE MONSTERS WITH MY REAL LIFE AND SOME OTHER DEMONS OF MY OWN CREATIONS. I'VE WOKEN MYSELF UP WITH TEARS, SCREAMING, CRYING, OUT OF BREATH, FRANTIC AND SCARED AS FUCK. I HAVE WOKE UP SWINGING AND READY TO FIGHT. AND IT TOTALLY SUCKS. WHETHER IM HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK OR WAKING UP FROM A HORRID DREAM, I ALWAYS END UP SMOKING BACK TO BACK CIGARETTES. I STAY UP LATE NIGHTS AND TROLL THE INTERNET OR WATCH MOVIES UNTIL MY EYELIDS FEEL AS HEAVY AS BOULDERS. I ENVY THOSE PEOPLE WHO CAN SIMPLY TURN OFF THE TV, TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, GET NEATLY TUCKED IN BED, AND LAY THEIR HEAD ON THE PILLOW...AND FALL ASLEEP. TONIGHT IS A SET BACK. I HAVENT HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK IN A LONG TIME. LAST NIGHT HAD SOME NIGHTMARES. BUT I CANT COMPLAIN. IT'S BEEN OVER A YEAR SINCE I'VE FELT BAD LIKE THIS. I'M IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW. MY LIFE IS GOOD. AND I REALLY AM HAPPY. AND I USE THOSE HAPPY THOUGHTS TO COMBAT THE EVIL AND SAD ONES. I TRULY LOVE MY LIFE AND I AM GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE IN IT.
